All my life I've been the type to bottle something up when it bothers me. As a result, I am really good at covering things up. In fact, most people have no idea when I am on the brink of snapping, because most people don't know me well enough to pick up on the little signs. But anyway, as of the last couple years, I've been under the persuasion that bottling emotions and problems is a bad idea, so I've been very big on confronting every issue that comes up, when it comes up.
Honestly, I'm beginning to wonder if I wasn't right all along. The more I look at the results of confrontation, the more I see the same things as bottling. The only real difference that I notice is that I am no longer the only person that is upset or angry or whatever the case may be. Nothing really changes, does it?
If I choose to keep it to myself, I get over it eventually. If I deal with it and the person that is part of it, I get over it eventually. But confrontation and pain and discomfort is designed to bring change, is it not?
Then why is all that is left in it's wake more pain, and more anger and bitterness? Why is confrontation not doing what it's supposed to be doing?? Why can't I just bottle everything up like I used to?
Maybe because I want to do everything in my own strength. Maybe because I haven't changed anything except the way in which I try to solve my own problems. Maybe because I am not leaving my garbage up to the only one who can resolve it.
And so I find myself at a crossroad... do what I know is right... or try again and doom myself to another failure.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The Kick-Off
So I suppose that this is merely me trying something that I had already decided was a waste of time for me. I decided that blogging was not an effective means of communication for me, because I feel like it has no purpose when I use it. But, here I am, blogging. I'm not entirely sure why, but for some reason today, I feel compelled to write something for you to see, to compose something that will maybe encourage or enlighten, or maybe even convict. Honestly, I don't know. And so I find myself rambling like a fool trying to give an intro.
I guess the question that really needs to be answered first is: why the change of heart? Well, honestly, this may be a one time thing, and it may just be that I'm trying this just to see how well I can wield it. OR maybe I'm just ranting to rant.
Those of you that know me, know that I live at my job, and so today, I was off, and bored out of my mind. I had no idea what to do, I couldn't hang out with Niki, I couldn't go down to campus to hang out with the guys, I couldn't even go to work for no reason more than to get coffee. I found myself completely surrounded by conviction. You see, every time I would walk by my room, I saw my bible laying on my desk, and from there I would figure "eh, I can read later." And so I pushed it off all day, and come 4:30ish, I get real bored and decided I would read my girlfriend's blog (toothbrush theology).
So I start reading, and lo and behold, I begin to feel alienated and left out of her life. For no reason other than because I was reading a blog about BBC's Got Talent. That's it. All of a sudden I was fighting depression, and I had no reason to do so. There was no legitimate starting point for any kind of issue whatsoever. I just began to feel left out, and thus began to be discontent with my life and where I am. (Yes, I have very severe issues, but you probably already knew that.)
But then I got to thinking about this week at the CRAZ, where Jim Barbour had given me some friendly advice about that very thing. We had stood out in the parking lot while the last of the teens were leaving, talking about how we had at different times, and for different reasons, been completely discontent with where we were. And I remembered what he told me about reading his bible, "Ya know, sometimes I'd be having a really bad day, and I wouldn't want to help Heather with the kids, or help around the house, cuz I was tired, and worked all day and whatnot, but that was when I would usually realize I hadn't read my bible yet today."
And it all clicked in my mind, I had pushed off the one thing that was really worth doing so that I could sit around and do nothing. I had chosen to read facebook statuses all day, and now I was moving on to something else that wasn't a necessity. And so I became discontent. But then I was unsure of what to read that would help me with this. Sure, I figured out that I needed to read, but, well, there's quite a bit of bible that I could choose from. Fortunately, that wasn't the only thing I learned monday. "Reading the bible doesn't fix everything, ya know? But it does help us to look at ourselves and our situations with the right perspective." I'm sure those weren't his exact words, but they sure are close.
Having this little memory flashback thing was really a blessing. My day turned from crap to much better than crap in almost no time. I settled on continuing through acts, and halfway through the chapter I was on, I was already forgetting my issues. And now, I find myself trying to bring this to whoever will take the time and energy to read this. I just hope that it will help someone else. Simple truths are often the hardest to find at first, but once they are found, once they are known, they just scream to be shared. And so I kick off this attempt at blogging, with a different perspective than my last theory on blogs.
I hope you haven't wasted your time, and I hope that you will take some time and read something that really matters. Bust out your bible and enjoy some prespective changing reality.
I guess the question that really needs to be answered first is: why the change of heart? Well, honestly, this may be a one time thing, and it may just be that I'm trying this just to see how well I can wield it. OR maybe I'm just ranting to rant.
Those of you that know me, know that I live at my job, and so today, I was off, and bored out of my mind. I had no idea what to do, I couldn't hang out with Niki, I couldn't go down to campus to hang out with the guys, I couldn't even go to work for no reason more than to get coffee. I found myself completely surrounded by conviction. You see, every time I would walk by my room, I saw my bible laying on my desk, and from there I would figure "eh, I can read later." And so I pushed it off all day, and come 4:30ish, I get real bored and decided I would read my girlfriend's blog (toothbrush theology).
So I start reading, and lo and behold, I begin to feel alienated and left out of her life. For no reason other than because I was reading a blog about BBC's Got Talent. That's it. All of a sudden I was fighting depression, and I had no reason to do so. There was no legitimate starting point for any kind of issue whatsoever. I just began to feel left out, and thus began to be discontent with my life and where I am. (Yes, I have very severe issues, but you probably already knew that.)
But then I got to thinking about this week at the CRAZ, where Jim Barbour had given me some friendly advice about that very thing. We had stood out in the parking lot while the last of the teens were leaving, talking about how we had at different times, and for different reasons, been completely discontent with where we were. And I remembered what he told me about reading his bible, "Ya know, sometimes I'd be having a really bad day, and I wouldn't want to help Heather with the kids, or help around the house, cuz I was tired, and worked all day and whatnot, but that was when I would usually realize I hadn't read my bible yet today."
And it all clicked in my mind, I had pushed off the one thing that was really worth doing so that I could sit around and do nothing. I had chosen to read facebook statuses all day, and now I was moving on to something else that wasn't a necessity. And so I became discontent. But then I was unsure of what to read that would help me with this. Sure, I figured out that I needed to read, but, well, there's quite a bit of bible that I could choose from. Fortunately, that wasn't the only thing I learned monday. "Reading the bible doesn't fix everything, ya know? But it does help us to look at ourselves and our situations with the right perspective." I'm sure those weren't his exact words, but they sure are close.
Having this little memory flashback thing was really a blessing. My day turned from crap to much better than crap in almost no time. I settled on continuing through acts, and halfway through the chapter I was on, I was already forgetting my issues. And now, I find myself trying to bring this to whoever will take the time and energy to read this. I just hope that it will help someone else. Simple truths are often the hardest to find at first, but once they are found, once they are known, they just scream to be shared. And so I kick off this attempt at blogging, with a different perspective than my last theory on blogs.
I hope you haven't wasted your time, and I hope that you will take some time and read something that really matters. Bust out your bible and enjoy some prespective changing reality.
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